


Lonely, Lonely, Lonely

by bingkai_dunia



Series: Paradise Lost [1]
Category: TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Huening Kai-Centric, Hurt Huening Kai, Inner Dialogue, Like, M/M, Super Heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 20:47:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18924733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bingkai_dunia/pseuds/bingkai_dunia
Summary: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."





	Lonely, Lonely, Lonely

"I'm sorry,"

That was the first thing he said. The only thing he said. Could say.

Eyes downcast, lips forming a lopsided smile—Soobin was trembling. His posture slouched a little while his hands rested firmly on the fabric of his black jersey. A bitter smile painted his face, and I couldn't help but wonder how pale he looked that it almost resembled the white of my own skin. He was looking at me—but I'm not, looking at him, I meant.

"Hey—" Soobin paused, "—will you forgive me?" he asked.

I didn't reply, in fact: I didn't even twitch when he uttered the words with such broken, shattered voice. He welcomed the silence that came with a bitter smile, but then he started to laugh—a little though—and smiled again. This time it was a smile that was too wide to be considered real. I tried to imagine the smile. That painted, askew smile that broadened every time he ran his fingers between the dark tresses upon his head.

"I'm sorry." he said again, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry.  _I'm so sorry_." he began to chant and took my palm in his, "Kai—" he paused, "I'm sorry… for everything."

_(For what? For what? Not your fault. Never yours.)_

"—I'm sorry, so… will you forgive me?"

He kissed my palm once, then twice, and rested his forehead at the base of our linked hands. I cried without a sound when the heat of his lips covered my fingers. I did not answer him.

Silence fell between us, and I couldn't bring myself but dwell on the past for the umpteenth time again. I mourned with him because I couldn't talk, I couldn't touch, I couldn't answer. Because if I did, all of this would be for nothing. When heavy silence answered him again, he began to laugh quietly and gripped my hand even tighter I could feel the twitch of his throbbing veins upon my skin.

"Why won't you talk to me?" asked him with a hoarse voice. “Why, huh?”

Silence answered him again, and he laughed. Again. He laughed even harder, even harsher. His laugh hurt me, truly.

"Talk to me, hey?" he said, "You can be angry. You can be mad. You can punch me—kick me, slap me—" he chocked on his own words, "I don't care, just-just—" he gulped down the lump inside his throat, "I don’t care about me, and you shouldn’t too. As long as you wake up I—"

He paused and lowered his head down like he was ashamed, and for a few minutes there, he stopped talking—stopped begging. the grip on my hand loosened. And for a split of a second there, I was convinced that he’d finally given up.

"Hey, I'm here."

Wrong.

"I just want you to respond to my voice. My touch. Anything will do. I just need proof that you’re still—" the boy– _or man?_ —whispered into thin air. “Please. Please talk to me.”

The hurt that laced his voice prickled my cold skin. But still—I couldn't answer him. I couldn't—wouldn’t and he; Soobin, needed to understand _._

"Why?" Soobin asked while tears started to form like beads of crystal at the corner of his eyes. "Why won't you talk to me?"

_(I want to.)_

"Do you hate me that much? Is that it? I just—you can't keep on ignoring me like this, you know?" Soobin laughed harshly, not aware of the trail of fat, broken tears that spilled over his ashen face. “It’s okay. You can hate me, you can be mad, now say those words to me.”

 _(I don't. I don't hate you._ )

I wanted to convey those words to him. I wanted to envelop his body against mine. I wanted to brush away his tears and tell him that everything would be alright—that I was alright and everything would be okay.

_(But I couldn't. I’m sorry. You need to understand.)_

"Please—" he cried, "—please answer me. I'm sorry. I 'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm  _so_  sorry but please— _please_ … talk to me."

Soobin begged and cried and screamed but I couldn't do anything to erase his pain. I could do  _nothing_.

He was broken, so  _fragile_ —so  _weak_ —and I couldn't help but blame myself for being the cause of his misery. It was my fault that he'd become like this. But now nothing mattered when there was still something that he needed to understand to keep on going.

He  _needed_  to understand. I  _wanted_  him to understand.

"Hyuka…" he whispered.

_(Yes? I hear you, Soobin-hyung. I can hear you. I do.)_

"Remember that time… when I left you alone because you used to annoy me so much with your persistent demeanor?" the boy began to talk again, "I told you to go away and leave me be. And I thought you would. But instead of letting my hands go, you said—" he paused, "That you will never let go."

( _No. No. Soobin please, please stop this._ )

"But back then I didn't give a fuck about you and walked away like a coward that I am. Never looking back."

_(No.)_

"What… kind of face did you made that time, I wonder?" he laughed bitterly.

_(Please stop it.)_

"More than anything, I would like to undo the time and take back all those harsh words and actions that I gave to you. I want to redo all my mistakes. But I can't do that without you by my side, you know that right?" he talked as if he was being suffocated. His hot tears continuously hitting the tiles under his feet with pitter-patter sounds.

_(I know. But I can't.)_

"And also—there's still something that I want to say to you. That I love you—that I'm in love with you. Hyuka, please, I love you."

He's…  _what_?

He said he loved me, I repeated. He  _loved_  me, I echoed.  _He loved me_ , I emphasized.

That Soobin. That perfect, kind, smart Choi Soobin loved Huening Kai. Bubbly, energetic,  _stupid_  Kai.

I paused for a brief of seconds, and then I felt like crying. In  _happiness_ —in joy.

 _(I love you too, I love you, Soobin-hyung—I always do_.)

I wanted to say those three beautiful words back to him. He'd never know just how long I'd been waiting to hear those words from his mouth. Just how many times I'd imagined the day when he finally been rid of his fears and learn to love me. I loved you Soobin-hyung _,_ I was already in love from the day we'd met on that empty hallways by pure coincidence—even until today. I loved you from the start, and I would never trade it for anything.

But it didn't matter anymore. Because I couldn't tell him—no matter how much I wished, no matter how much I longed to tell him I knew that it was pointless. I wanted to hold him and never let go. But I couldn't because it's already too late. I'd been gone too far to come back. There was no coming back for me. Not anymore.

_(I'm sorry, hyung. I love you. So, so much.)_

"I—I love you… so please—"

He needed to understand that I was no more.

"Please—"

A corpse like me could no longer stay before I was nothing but bones.

"—wake… up… "

 _(I'm sorry._   _Shall we say goodbye?)_

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so. That happened. I was in a dark place when I wrote this so forgive me for the heavy, heavy angst. I wrote another piece in Soobin's perspective, though I'm still not sure whether I'm going to post it or not but we shall see :)


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